Nov 22, 2007

Missing dad

Is it possible to backslide in the grief process? I was frozen when Dad first died and have eventually gotten better with living life again. But lately I feel like I'm back on that July day when he died. I dream about him, I miss him. I am so happy that we are having a baby, but then I think about it and I am so sad. Dad was such a great grandpa and he will not know this baby. Or this baby will not know him and that's just wrong. Today was Thanksgiving. I did fine most of the day, I think we all did. The kids and I went to my in-laws. It was nice seeing everyone. John showed up for dinner before he had to leave for work so that was nice. It wasn't until I got home that I got really sad because dad wasn't here. We're sad most of the time because he isn't here, but I guess holidays will really compound that sadness. Every other day is busy filled with everyday life that has to get done. The day was mostly ok it's just our new normal I guess. We all have to adjust to not seeing him at the table or in the kitchen making guacamole. I miss him a lot today. I can't imagine how mom is feeling. She of course won't say it, but I can hear her cry at night sometimes and it is the most heartbreaking sound. It's the kind of cry I hadn't heard before Dad died. It was the first holiday without him, I'm not sure how we will get through Christmas. I keep seeing that gross disgusting summer sausage and cheese sets when I'm out shopping. I cried in Costco the other day because I was staring at freakin summer sausage! At least now, passersby will just think I am some crazy pregnant lady with too many hormones running through her. Maybe I will buy him one. I always bought Dad one for Christmas.

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