Sep 16, 2007

Grief letter

Lin sent this copy from a grief book she is reading. I think it would be helpful for all of us to make copies and put them somewhere. I am going to make copies to hang at work, home, car, and most importantly my forehead. Thanx Lin!

Dear : Insert appropriate title here

Recently I have suffered the devastating loss of my father. I am grieving and it will take months and even years to recover from this loss.
I want to let you know that I will cry from time to time. I don't apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. They are God's gift to me to express the extent of my loss, and they are also a sign that I am recovering.
At times you may see me angry for no apparent reason. Sometimes I'm not sure why. All I know is that my emotions are intense because of my grief. If I don't always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me. And if I repeat myself again and again, please accept this is normal.
More than anything else, I need your understanding and your presence. You don't always have to know what to say or even say anything if you don't know how to respond. Your presence and a touch or hug lets me know you care. Please don't wait for me to call you since sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do so.
If I tend to withdraw from you, please don't let me do that. I need you to reach out to me for several months or even years.
Pray for me that I will come to see meaning in my loss someday and that I will know God's comfort and love. It does help to let me know that you are praying for me.
If you have experienced a similar type of loss, please feel free to share it with me. It will help rather than cause me to feel worse. And don't stop sharing if I begin to cry. It's all right and any tears you express as we talk are all right too.
This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But I will survive and eventually recover. I cling to that knowledge, even though there are times I don't feel it. I know that I will not always feel as I do now. Laughter and joy will emerge once again someday.
Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying. Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful.


Your name here

*Make as many copies as needed. Distribute accordingly, but if you are caught throwing them at someone you will be kicked out of group.

Suck Much

Yesterday was absolute torture. Wasn't having the best day anyway, just thinking of Dad, and listening to Mom cry, and worrying about her interview and we lost the house, someone put in a full price offer so the sellers went with them of course. Damn, I really liked that house! Went to Saturday service at church and went completly downhill from there.Mom lost Dad's life insurance check, but eventually found it so she gave it to me for safekeeping. I had a hard time with it I guess because it's a freakin life insurance check. Everyone of course would rather not have a single penny and have Dad here instead. That healthy thinking is getting us nowhere. The message at church was about God being your best friend and a few people shared about trials, experiences, life altering moments that brought them to God and of course the very first story was a guy that lost his dad when he was 25ish and how pissed off he was at God and life and other people breathing. I cried all the way through the message. Those who know me can attest to the fact that I am not a pretty crier especially when I am trying to hide that I'm crying. There was snot flying! Hoss was at work so I didn't have anyone to hide behind. I was so drained by the time I left so of course I went shopping and spent too much money. My grieving process is really adding up. Not good. Then I ran into another parent from the kids' school & she invited herself to share that she lost her dad 13 years ago and was telling me that it really doesn't get easier and she still misses him and thinks about him all the time and and doesn't it suck, and would you like to volunteer at the book fair?! Awesome! Exactly what I was hoping to hear. This pain will never go away and I can count on feeling this way for years to come. Sweet! I never liked her anyway, I hope she trips and falls on the way back to her van down by the river. I had no energy to do anything when I got home so my children and very hard working husband had cereal for dinner and I had ice cream and a pepsi. I expect the award for wife/mom of the year to be arriving any moment. The day was a shitfest.

Sep 12, 2007

Heartache and Hope

I've known Sid for 13 years yet I am still suprised and hurt by his decision. He contacted our lawyer and signed the paper to give up his kids voluntarily. I cried and cried when I was told. I know he hasn't had contact with them in almost 2 years. And the only reason he saw them 2 years ago was because Ana broke her leg and I called him from the hospital. If it weren't for that phone call, he would be on more than 3 years with absolutely no contact. Not a phone call on birthdays or Christmas, never once asked about the kids when we faced each other in court every 3 months for his contempt charge. I wonder if he missed them, how often he thought about them. Did he ever think of them? I can't imagine their birthdays passing and the kids not even crossing his mind. What about on Father's Day, he had to have thought of them then. I can't think about going that long without hearing thier voices or seeing them grow up. Does he know what he is missing? I can't sleep thinking about what made him decide to sign the papers. Was it because he would owe no further child support? Did he really put a price on his children? Or maybe he actually thought because he hasn't given them love as a dad for years and years and knew he would never be able to so he signed because it was what was best for the kids? I pray and pray that he wasn't motivated by money. I get sick thinking about this. This is what we have prayed for and have wanted since we got married. John has wanted it since we got engaged. He wants to be thier dad in every way. The kids see him that way and he feels it, but still this is so important to him. And Sid just gave us his ok to go ahead with it. I was so expecting a fight from him. So why am I so sad? I am so incredibely happy that we can continue and get this done. I am so incredibly sad that he just signed them away without one word. I know, count my blessings right? Can't have your cake and eat it too? What am I going to tell Ana? The other 2 when they are older? Ana asks constantly about the adoption and how it's going and how much longer? She knows that we have filed the petition, she knows that we had to wait for Sid to respond. I can't tell her that he gave up. I just can't make myself do it. What would it do to her? Not right now while she is dealing with the death of her grandpa and just trying to live day to day with her raging preteen hormones. Or would it be best for her to know the truth? I've never lied to the kids about him. About why he doesn't see them and it's not about them, it's a fight with his sin and his choices in life. We still have to have a adoption hearing, and Sid will be advised of it has the opportunity to be there for that, but now I doubt he will want to be there. I wanted the kids to have a chance to say goodbye to him. To process every step of this. As their mom I think that would be best. On the flip side of that, maybe it wouldn't be good for them to see him in court, saying goodbye after so many years of not seeing him. That may be confusing to them. I know Akira would not understand. She would probably write a great song about it though. I thought maybe he would at least include a letter to the kids when he sent back the papers. To explain his decision. I was hoping for that closure myself. Now I don't know if we will ever get it. I loved this man once, shared my life with him. I still after everything everything everything, have that part of me that remembers the hopes and dreams he had for each of them when they were babies. Now, I will always remember the day he legally wrote off his children., but in every sense of the word, he wrote them off years ago. This is what is best for the kids, for their hearts, thier future, their relationships, their faith. Putting their trust in someone real, who is here and loves them and would do or give anything for them. Ana talks as if John has known her all her life, she talks about the future with him, John walking her down the aisle at her wedding, she teases him about how much he will miss her when she leaves for college, she thinks she is going to grow to be as tall as John. I can see it in her eyes when she talks about John and when she is with him, she knows John's love for her doesn't have conditions. She knows he is here to stay, but there is that tiny little doubt that lingers for her. She can't help it, she remembers the back and forth, on again off again times with Sid when she was little. The boyfriends I had after our divorce, that hurt her as much as me when things didn't work out. I take the blame for that.. But she is also smart enough to know that the broken promises and rejection from Sid since our divorce is his choice alone. This public expression of commitment from John is something she craves in her spirit. She understands this adoption is more than just a name change. It gives her hope and a feeling of complete acceptance. It gives me hope also, and since Dad died, I could use a lot more of that. I know this will fill the Sid shaped hole in Akira's heart, extingish fully any sense of abandonement Ana feels, and for E cement the knowledge that John is his forever Dad.