Dear God, please please don't let this be serious. I'm freaking out. I just signed a new life insurance policy on Monday. Tuesday morning my world was knocked off its scheduled, list making axis a little. I run my household like a well oiled machine. A machine that I like to drive. It could be argued that I have control issues. So what? You want to make something of it? I'm always up for a good argument. If arguing was an Olympic sport I would have won gold. Well truthfully I probably would have been kicked off the team due to steroid use. Or poor sportsmanship like behavior. See where I'm going with this? I know this is an area that I will always wrestle God with. Well hopefully not always but certainly until I grow and mature in my faith enough to fully trust him. Does that ever really happen? I know my children and my husband, family, home, life, everything I have, every breath I take are all a gift from God but when it comes down to it does He really know how to take care of my family better than I do? This is a lesson I've been struggling with for many years. As many years as I've been a follower of Christ, so lets see...9 years now. That's a long time to deal with any problem. Maybe HE is finally fed up with wrestling with me. Maybe HE has decided now is a good time to relinquish all control. I'm not sure my Papa understands just how much my family means to me. I have 4 children and 1 husband that would not make it without me. Well the children would recover but I'm not so sure about my man. I have my reasons for worrying about him more. Don't even get me started on what my sisters mean to me.
I'm pretty sure only my sister reads this so I'm going to go into detail here. I went in for my annual exam and it turned out to be a not so routine appointment. The Dr wanted to do an ultrasound right then but I had plans. An ultrasound wasn't on my list of things to do that day. (It's a sickness I know.) I was busy getting ready to leave for a weekend away with my husband so I scheduled it for when we returned. On Tuesday I had a 3D ultrasound and found 3 tumors growing in my uterus. (I've always wanted one of those 3D ultrasounds when I was pregnant but I never wanted to pay the extra money for it. Now I finally get one and there is no baby in there to take pictures of. Just ugly ugly tumas- Arnold voice again). Anyway, they could be fibroid tumas which are fairly common and can just be monitored. My Dr. did say they just keep growing though and one of them is already a considerable size and my uterus is enlarged. My husband and I have both noticed it, I look about 2-3 months pregnant some days but with all my medical expertise I ignored it for a very long time because I thought maybe it was a result of having a cesarean delivery with Kiwi. I thought maybe the uterus doesn't shrink down the same like it would after a vaginal birth. I keep forgetting that I in fact have not gone to medical school and do not walk around in a white coat with "Dr." printed on it. I finally went in to the Dr because I've been having such heavy periods for months now. I quit nursing Kiwi about 4 months ago and that is when I noticed the difference in my cycle. I am bleeding for 15 days out of every month and for 3 days it is so heavy and painful that I can't leave the house. I'm seriously housebound. Such fun! I would like to pause and take a moment here to say thank you to my ancestor Eve. I really hope that apple was worth it. It better have been a Granny Smith, those are the best ones anyway. If all this pain was caused by a Jona Gold or Golden Delicious (gag) then we're going to have some words when I meet you one day. Moving on...
The dr said my uterus wall is so thin that I could not safely carry another baby. I guess this is what happens when at 10 months pregnant you are as big around as you are tall. With E and Kiwi both I measured 57 inches around and I am only 61 inches tall. I have big babies. I am a great incubator. The door to having another child has been shut. I feel for my husband. He doesn't feel like our family is complete. I could have gone either way. I would have another baby for Hoss if it meant that much to him and well because it's a baby. I think I will have baby urges until I die. That's a good reason to volunteer in the nursery at church. I can go in and sniff all the newborn baby smell and get my fix and then get out of there. Plus, my younger sisters will probably all have babies one day. I will be an awesome Tia and get to hold babies babies babies. My reasons for not having any more children are because:
1. We already have 4 happy, healthy children and I'm eternally grateful for them.
2. I am enjoying my time with Kiwi so much. Raising him with Hoss is such a different experience for me. I enjoy being his mommy. I enjoy the little things more than I did with the older kids. When Kiwi wants to stop to play with a crack in the sidewalk I let him. I'm not so frantically focused on just trying to survive each day like I used to be.
3. I do not want to experience a cesarean delivery ever again.
So I will sadly say goodbye to that chapter in my life. I will trust the Author of my life with each next chapter. I will try really really hard not to write the book myself. (Maybe He will let me edit it before publication?)
I am having a biopsy done tomorrow. They will biopsy the actual tumas and my uterine lining. It will be a very long weekend waiting for results. If the tumas are fibroid tumas and keep growing I may need to have a hysterectomy. I would definitely get a second opinion and will be meeting with a holistic nutritionist that I know. Going straight to a hysterectomy just seems a little drastic to me. If the tumas are not just fibroid tumas...well I don't know. I haven't thought much beyond that point.