Bittersweet with a glass of milk

We spent a day in Colorado Springs with John's sister for his familys' annual cookie baking event. It was fun and it sucked. It was nice to see everyone, well everyone that showed up anyway. His sister was a cookie baking machine. She made over 400 buckeyes. The idea is to bake tons of cookies and then every family leaves with a selection of all that was baked. And everyone gets to visit and catch up and hang out. All the kids got along amazingly well. No big fights and absolutely no bloodshed. Then on the other hand it sucked because I cried myself to sleep Saturday night. I missed Dad so much. This Christmas sucks, and that sucks because Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love everything about it. Usually. Not this year. I didn't send out any cards, didn't want to decorate but did of course because the kids couldn't wait any longer. I am just one big giant bah humbug this year. I feel like everyone is walking around just living their normal life and not knowing how much we are missing our dad and our first Christmas without him. I feel like they should all know what is gone. Even people that didn't know him. I feel like just sleeping until it is all over. Don't try to talk me out of it either, because I'm very grumpy if I'm woken up and I may bite!

Missing dad

Is it possible to backslide in the grief process? I was frozen when Dad first died and have eventually gotten better with living life again. But lately I feel like I'm back on that July day when he died. I dream about him, I miss him. I am so happy that we are having a baby, but then I think about it and I am so sad. Dad was such a great grandpa and he will not know this baby. Or this baby will not know him and that's just wrong. Today was Thanksgiving. I did fine most of the day, I think we all did. The kids and I went to my in-laws. It was nice seeing everyone. John showed up for dinner before he had to leave for work so that was nice. It wasn't until I got home that I got really sad because dad wasn't here. We're sad most of the time because he isn't here, but I guess holidays will really compound that sadness. Every other day is busy filled with everyday life that has to get done. The day was mostly ok it's just our new normal I guess. We all have to adjust to not seeing him at the table or in the kitchen making guacamole. I miss him a lot today. I can't imagine how mom is feeling. She of course won't say it, but I can hear her cry at night sometimes and it is the most heartbreaking sound. It's the kind of cry I hadn't heard before Dad died. It was the first holiday without him, I'm not sure how we will get through Christmas. I keep seeing that gross disgusting summer sausage and cheese sets when I'm out shopping. I cried in Costco the other day because I was staring at freakin summer sausage! At least now, passersby will just think I am some crazy pregnant lady with too many hormones running through her. Maybe I will buy him one. I always bought Dad one for Christmas.

snow, snow, snow, snow

Whoohooo, it snowed! That makes me so happy. Although it has been nice still being able to wear capris and short sleeve shirts. The kids don't have school today and I'm determined to finish getting the house put together before they go back on Monday. Most everything is done, except there aren't pictures hung and one room still needs the trim painted. Other than that it's very liveable. I'm watching the kids play outside. They are all bundled in every piece of winter attire they own, and are acting as if we got a blizzard! Really quite sad actually. Maybe I'll get a good picture for this years Christmas card though. I refuse to be in it, someone may bust out a harpoon! I told Hoss the only way he'd get me in this years photo is if he photoshops me in and considering he asks for help everytime he checks his email, I don't think that is going to happen.

Dude, it wasn't me, it was the baby

I promise all my blogs will not be about me being pregnant. I feel waaay out of practice when it comes to doing this. I know pregnancy isn't something you practice necessarily but considering E is almost 8, some of this stuff happening to me feels completely new and weird! The Shisler baby appears to be a vegetarian. I can't stand the smell or taste of most meat right now. It tastes fine going down but not so good about 10 minutes later. Hopefully that is only temporary insanity. And I've not had any morning sickness yet. That is quite the change from my other experiences. I was so sick with E that I lost 14 pounds early on. Is that a good sign? Shouldn't all pregnancies have some morning sickness? Or does the aversion to meat count as mine? I'm already wearing maternity jeans. I'm only 7 weeks along but the zippers weren't working anymore! I've managed to get away with just buying bigger shirts and tops, most shirts these days are baggy and 'flowing' anyway. I'm sure it has something to do with the weight gain from losing my thyroid, but still- I feel and look ( according to some) like I'm 5 months pregnant! I will NOT be complaining about the bigger boobs! Those make me feel 18 again. Plus it's cheap entertainment for my husband so that's always nice.

Simba the lion king

Dearest baby Shisler, we can't wait to meet you. Baby Shisler is due on July 14, 2008. July 14th. The day dad died. It makes me incrediby happy and incredibly sad. My mom thinks it is the perfect day to have a baby. It will make the anniversary easier to deal with. I disagree. I think. Wouldn't I always be sad on that day? This poor baby will have a complex! Mom- why are you always so sad on my birthday? Don't you love me?! Yeah, I can see it now. Therapy is too expensive, so wouldn't it be better just to have another birthday?
John says it makes sense. He says so many things happen that way. The circle of life or something like that. I think he saw the Lion King one too many times. When something ends, something always shows us the new beginning. A very close friend of John's got a long awaited kidney transplant the day before dad died. A new beginning. Good friends of mine had a baby on the same day. A new beginning. We are due to have a baby. A new beginning. I guess I see his point. Then again I just don't like it. I'm the mama, and if it's up to me I'll just hold her in until the 15! Or I'll go 4 wheeling on the 13th! I'll figure something out by then. In the meantime, the kids are super excited. Almost as excited as John. Have you ever seen a 6'7" man do a cartwheel? He is over the moon. Maybe a little too far gone actually. He said maybe I shouldn't go into work because I tend to get stressed out while I'm there. Soon, he'll be saying I shouldn't bother making dinner, or doing laundry or breathing in and out! OK, I'm exagerating, but not by much. He is totally enjoying this and I could get really spoiled during this incubation period! Stace & Lin say I should go with it. After all, it is a new experience for me too. Actually planning a pregnancy and for once being thrilled with the news. We've got a date for the adoption also. If anyone told me 3 years ago this would be my life today, I'd have thought you were completely insane!!

Grief letter

Lin sent this copy from a grief book she is reading. I think it would be helpful for all of us to make copies and put them somewhere. I am going to make copies to hang at work, home, car, and most importantly my forehead. Thanx Lin!

Dear : Insert appropriate title here

Recently I have suffered the devastating loss of my father. I am grieving and it will take months and even years to recover from this loss.
I want to let you know that I will cry from time to time. I don't apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. They are God's gift to me to express the extent of my loss, and they are also a sign that I am recovering.
At times you may see me angry for no apparent reason. Sometimes I'm not sure why. All I know is that my emotions are intense because of my grief. If I don't always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me. And if I repeat myself again and again, please accept this is normal.
More than anything else, I need your understanding and your presence. You don't always have to know what to say or even say anything if you don't know how to respond. Your presence and a touch or hug lets me know you care. Please don't wait for me to call you since sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do so.
If I tend to withdraw from you, please don't let me do that. I need you to reach out to me for several months or even years.
Pray for me that I will come to see meaning in my loss someday and that I will know God's comfort and love. It does help to let me know that you are praying for me.
If you have experienced a similar type of loss, please feel free to share it with me. It will help rather than cause me to feel worse. And don't stop sharing if I begin to cry. It's all right and any tears you express as we talk are all right too.
This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But I will survive and eventually recover. I cling to that knowledge, even though there are times I don't feel it. I know that I will not always feel as I do now. Laughter and joy will emerge once again someday.
Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying. Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful.

Sincerely,

Your name here


*Make as many copies as needed. Distribute accordingly, but if you are caught throwing them at someone you will be kicked out of group.

Suck Much

Yesterday was absolute torture. Wasn't having the best day anyway, just thinking of Dad, and listening to Mom cry, and worrying about her interview and we lost the house, someone put in a full price offer so the sellers went with them of course. Damn, I really liked that house! Went to Saturday service at church and went completly downhill from there.Mom lost Dad's life insurance check, but eventually found it so she gave it to me for safekeeping. I had a hard time with it I guess because it's a freakin life insurance check. Everyone of course would rather not have a single penny and have Dad here instead. That healthy thinking is getting us nowhere. The message at church was about God being your best friend and a few people shared about trials, experiences, life altering moments that brought them to God and of course the very first story was a guy that lost his dad when he was 25ish and how pissed off he was at God and life and other people breathing. I cried all the way through the message. Those who know me can attest to the fact that I am not a pretty crier especially when I am trying to hide that I'm crying. There was snot flying! Hoss was at work so I didn't have anyone to hide behind. I was so drained by the time I left so of course I went shopping and spent too much money. My grieving process is really adding up. Not good. Then I ran into another parent from the kids' school & she invited herself to share that she lost her dad 13 years ago and was telling me that it really doesn't get easier and she still misses him and thinks about him all the time and and doesn't it suck, and would you like to volunteer at the book fair?! Awesome! Exactly what I was hoping to hear. This pain will never go away and I can count on feeling this way for years to come. Sweet! I never liked her anyway, I hope she trips and falls on the way back to her van down by the river. I had no energy to do anything when I got home so my children and very hard working husband had cereal for dinner and I had ice cream and a pepsi. I expect the award for wife/mom of the year to be arriving any moment. The day was a shitfest.

Heartache and Hope

I've known Sid for 13 years yet I am still suprised and hurt by his decision. He contacted our lawyer and signed the paper to give up his kids voluntarily. I cried and cried when I was told. I know he hasn't had contact with them in almost 2 years. And the only reason he saw them 2 years ago was because Ana broke her leg and I called him from the hospital. If it weren't for that phone call, he would be on more than 3 years with absolutely no contact. Not a phone call on birthdays or Christmas, never once asked about the kids when we faced each other in court every 3 months for his contempt charge. I wonder if he missed them, how often he thought about them. Did he ever think of them? I can't imagine their birthdays passing and the kids not even crossing his mind. What about on Father's Day, he had to have thought of them then. I can't think about going that long without hearing thier voices or seeing them grow up. Does he know what he is missing? I can't sleep thinking about what made him decide to sign the papers. Was it because he would owe no further child support? Did he really put a price on his children? Or maybe he actually thought because he hasn't given them love as a dad for years and years and knew he would never be able to so he signed because it was what was best for the kids? I pray and pray that he wasn't motivated by money. I get sick thinking about this. This is what we have prayed for and have wanted since we got married. John has wanted it since we got engaged. He wants to be thier dad in every way. The kids see him that way and he feels it, but still this is so important to him. And Sid just gave us his ok to go ahead with it. I was so expecting a fight from him. So why am I so sad? I am so incredibely happy that we can continue and get this done. I am so incredibly sad that he just signed them away without one word. I know, count my blessings right? Can't have your cake and eat it too? What am I going to tell Ana? The other 2 when they are older? Ana asks constantly about the adoption and how it's going and how much longer? She knows that we have filed the petition, she knows that we had to wait for Sid to respond. I can't tell her that he gave up. I just can't make myself do it. What would it do to her? Not right now while she is dealing with the death of her grandpa and just trying to live day to day with her raging preteen hormones. Or would it be best for her to know the truth? I've never lied to the kids about him. About why he doesn't see them and it's not about them, it's a fight with his sin and his choices in life. We still have to have a adoption hearing, and Sid will be advised of it has the opportunity to be there for that, but now I doubt he will want to be there. I wanted the kids to have a chance to say goodbye to him. To process every step of this. As their mom I think that would be best. On the flip side of that, maybe it wouldn't be good for them to see him in court, saying goodbye after so many years of not seeing him. That may be confusing to them. I know Akira would not understand. She would probably write a great song about it though. I thought maybe he would at least include a letter to the kids when he sent back the papers. To explain his decision. I was hoping for that closure myself. Now I don't know if we will ever get it. I loved this man once, shared my life with him. I still after everything everything everything, have that part of me that remembers the hopes and dreams he had for each of them when they were babies. Now, I will always remember the day he legally wrote off his children., but in every sense of the word, he wrote them off years ago. This is what is best for the kids, for their hearts, thier future, their relationships, their faith. Putting their trust in someone real, who is here and loves them and would do or give anything for them. Ana talks as if John has known her all her life, she talks about the future with him, John walking her down the aisle at her wedding, she teases him about how much he will miss her when she leaves for college, she thinks she is going to grow to be as tall as John. I can see it in her eyes when she talks about John and when she is with him, she knows John's love for her doesn't have conditions. She knows he is here to stay, but there is that tiny little doubt that lingers for her. She can't help it, she remembers the back and forth, on again off again times with Sid when she was little. The boyfriends I had after our divorce, that hurt her as much as me when things didn't work out. I take the blame for that.. But she is also smart enough to know that the broken promises and rejection from Sid since our divorce is his choice alone. This public expression of commitment from John is something she craves in her spirit. She understands this adoption is more than just a name change. It gives her hope and a feeling of complete acceptance. It gives me hope also, and since Dad died, I could use a lot more of that. I know this will fill the Sid shaped hole in Akira's heart, extingish fully any sense of abandonement Ana feels, and for E cement the knowledge that John is his forever Dad.

Adieu Ben & Jerry

Well got the latest blood test back and...my thyroid is now normal! Yipee, yahoo! Well normal as it can be after they fried it and all. I should say the fake thyroid hormone I take everyday is now doing what I pay it to do and tricking my body into thinking it has a thyroid. Are you jumping up and down like I was? Do you know what this means? This means I will start to lose the 30 pounds I gained in 1 year. I still have to work to lose the weight but now I'm not fighting those evil little hormone demons that think it's funny when you eat a rice cake and gain 2 pounds. Now it will be just like any other 30 yr old housewife with a secret choco stash. It didn't help either marrying a man that sees me crying on the scale and says "Don't cry. You're still about 10 pounds underweight. Here, go buy some more clothes." That is the point in which something heavy was chucked at his head. And yes I did take the shopping money and yes I did buy more...shoes and the matching purse. At least if I ran into anybody I knew or an ex boyfriend or something I would have the cute accessories to distract from the weight gain. Although I'm pretty sure all my exes live out of state so I should be ok. That is my theory and nobody better blow it for me! Anyway- so I joined a dance class and my sister is going to sign up with me... This should be an adventure considering I haven't danced since I was 17 when life took over. Dancing at a club doesn't count because the many alcohol drinks consumed cancel out all the aerobic activity. I got so desperate at one point I looked up how many calories were burned during sex and that motivated me somewhat. Hee hee. (Chels if you're reading this, when you come back from throwing up, I want my shorts back because soon I will fit into them again.). Ahh, I can't wait till next summer. Maybe by then I can wear a swimsuit without fear of being harpooned.

Bored

you.can.only.type.one.word.not as easy as u may think

1. Where is your cell phone?charger

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?past

3. Your hair?thick

4. Work?ha

5. Your father?Michigan

6. Your favorite thing?massage

7. Your dream last night?recurring

8. Your favorite drink?cranberry

9. Your Dream guy/girl?Hoss

10. The room you're in?quiet

11. Your pet?expensive

12. Your fears?childish

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?healthy

14. Where did you hang out fri night?bedroom

15. What you're not good at?sewing

16. Eyebrow rings on the opposite sex?funny

17. One of your wish list items?garage

18. Where you grew up?colorado

19. The last thing you did?pee'd

20. What are you wearing?pj's

21. What aren't you wearing?makeup

22. The website?online

23. Your computer?dinosaur

24. Your life?standstill

25. Your mood?sad

26. Missing?Dad

27. What are you thinking about right now?dad

28. Your car?fast

29. Your work?rewarding

30. Your summer?nightmare

31. Your relationship status?honest

32. Your favorite color?purple

33. When is the last time you laughed?yesterday

34. Last time you cried?scale

35. School?crowded

Men are waffles, women are spaghetti

So we're at the cemetery tonight and I wanted to show John the kind of marker that mom is going to buy dad so we go walking. Did I mention it was dark out? Apparently somebody is getting buried tomorrow near dad's grave because all of a sudden John grabs Akira practically throwing her on the ground. I'm wondering what i.t.h. is he doing? There is an empty grave that has already been dug out and the only thing covering it is a piece of plywood and Akira was about to step right on it. Can you imagine how horrible that would be? She would have been completly traumatized! Gave me the creeps. Perhaps that is why you should really only visit the cemetery during daylight hours. John was worried that we were trespassing because the sign says trespassing if on property after 7pm, and I say they must not be that worried about it because they leave the gates open. Am I right? Oh, and I think the trip to Michigan might have done me some good, I'm functioning much better, sleeping longer and actually feel a little bit of healing when I visit Dad, instead of feeling depressed and wanting to crawl into a hole. I went to church tonight for the first time since dad died, excluding for his service. Didn't go to FCC, for some reason don't want to be in the place where I said goodbye to dad. I know that doesn't make much sense but it is just feels wrong. And of course the message was on marriage and differences between men and women and blah blah blah. Everything that I had experienced this past week w/ John and everything that I had felt was discussed. I'm pretty sure he slipped the pastor a note beforehand because it felt like there was a giant spotlight on me the entire time. Although John says he felt the same way so who knows? The mood in the house hasn't been helped by the fact that John is now on his 3rd day without any chew and I am pms-ing. A recipe for disaster. What is it with guys that chew? I think it is so disgusting yet I still marry guys who do it. He thinks he is doing quite well without it, I think he is a raging lunatic!The hole is still pretty inviting though.

Praise God!

Yahoooo! Kids are back in school, kids are back in school, kids are back in school!! Does that make me a bad parent that I am so excited that kids are back in school? Loved having the summer off with the kids (I think I worked about 40 hours all summer) but enough already! I'm pretty sure since about June 5th or so, the kids have been having a contest called "who can bicker the most and make mom and dad yell the loudest?!" Suddennly Ana is now convinced that her brother and sister were simply put on this earth to annoy her. She has much better things to do than be bothered now that she is a 6th grader! I love the girl more than anything but if she rolls her eyes at me or them one more time, I may have to kill her. Last year I could barely get her to brush her hair, now she is waking up 30 minutes earlier to 'style' it. Help.
First day back was today. The kids got to meet their teachers last night and unload their enormous bag of school supplies. Ana swears the has the meanest teacher in school, 'he is soooo strict mom, he never even smiles!" Akira is upset that her bff's are not at her table, and E is already surrounded by giggling girls. They better watch out for mama! I'd hate to have to open a can of whoop ass on those 7 year olds.

Boo Hoo

Boo Hoo,
So totally spur of the moment, the kids and I decided to drive to Michigan. Was packed and ready to go within an hour. So we picked up my sister and her kids and left. I just had to see my dad. And my grandma. Didn't really think about it until we were in Kearney Nebraska. This spur of the moment decision appears to have pissed off Hoss'crew. I know I did disrupt their routine by taking their wheels and making them all squish into my Grand Pixie but they did make it to the rig right? Perhaps I should show them the paperwork that shows MY name on the friggin car loan. Go fix your own vehicles, get your license back, and drive your own ass to the rig every hitch. Hoss says they will cool off. I guess I'm not fully understanding what they are so hot about? They don't seem to realize that Hoss' lifestyle has changed just a wee bit. He has always considered his friends his family, but now he has a different type of family to take care of. Yes, I 'm aware that you have so many memories with him, he is your boss, he is your brother, he is your friend, he is your drinking/smoking/party buddy but he is now my husband and a dad, a really great dad. There was no gun to his head when he decided to get married. There was no voodoo hex performed on him. According to him, he woke up one day, realized 'Holy Crap, I'm a grown up' and went down a different road. A road that led to me, thank God. To me. A chick with 3 kids (gasp!!) 3 kids who he has known for 6 years. 3 kids he would give his life for. 3 kids that worship him (and sometimes forget I am even in the room when he is around). When we first started dating (for the 3rd time) I sometimes wondered if he was dating me for me or for my kids. Oh- Grandma just showed up with fresh, homemade tortillas, gotta go! I'll just sum things up here...Boo Hoo, get over it!!!

Not quite sure...

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I haven't worked since Dad died. Well, that's not true, I went back the week after and was sent home. It's been a month now and I am actually managing to get a shower before noon these days. I visit his grave too much I think because every time I go there I think it will make me feel better but I end up being so depressed I can barely make it home. It just looks so real. Fresh dirt, all the flowers from the service are dead. It's been a month, so should I be worried that time seems to have stopped? I get so mad looking at people living their lives. Don't they know what is missing? Don't they notice he's not here? How can complete strangers keep on living life as if nothing happened? I know he is gone, but I catch myself thinking that he will walk into the room at any moment. It's been a month and I am so pissed that he is gone. He was too young, we are too young, the kids are too young. He should be here to see everything that hasn't happened yet. And then I think of everything that hasn't happened yet and I cry. How can Hoss and I have a baby that Dad will never know? Will never know Grandpa? The kids' adoption party, he should be there. I wonder when life gets back to normal? 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years? Will it ever be 'normal' again? Because normal is Dad here to make corny jokes and laugh that laugh and play solitaire till dawn. It feels like I'm searching for something that I don't even know is missing but know I need to find it. Does that make any sense to anyone? Doesn't really make sense to me either. As twisted as it is, knowing that my sisters are all feeling about the same actually helps. Makes me not so worried that it's been a month and I still find myself getting in the car, driving somewhere, and then once I get there, not really remembering driving there. Makes me not so worried that I keep serving burnt dinners because I start crying half way through cooking it and by time I recover, dinner is ruined. Makes me not so worried that I still wish he would hurry home from vacation or wherever he is. He can't really be gone forever, it just can't be...