Suck Much

Yesterday was absolute torture. Wasn't having the best day anyway, just thinking of Dad, and listening to Mom cry, and worrying about her interview and we lost the house, someone put in a full price offer so the sellers went with them of course. Damn, I really liked that house! Went to Saturday service at church and went completly downhill from there.Mom lost Dad's life insurance check, but eventually found it so she gave it to me for safekeeping. I had a hard time with it I guess because it's a freakin life insurance check. Everyone of course would rather not have a single penny and have Dad here instead. That healthy thinking is getting us nowhere. The message at church was about God being your best friend and a few people shared about trials, experiences, life altering moments that brought them to God and of course the very first story was a guy that lost his dad when he was 25ish and how pissed off he was at God and life and other people breathing. I cried all the way through the message. Those who know me can attest to the fact that I am not a pretty crier especially when I am trying to hide that I'm crying. There was snot flying! Hoss was at work so I didn't have anyone to hide behind. I was so drained by the time I left so of course I went shopping and spent too much money. My grieving process is really adding up. Not good. Then I ran into another parent from the kids' school & she invited herself to share that she lost her dad 13 years ago and was telling me that it really doesn't get easier and she still misses him and thinks about him all the time and and doesn't it suck, and would you like to volunteer at the book fair?! Awesome! Exactly what I was hoping to hear. This pain will never go away and I can count on feeling this way for years to come. Sweet! I never liked her anyway, I hope she trips and falls on the way back to her van down by the river. I had no energy to do anything when I got home so my children and very hard working husband had cereal for dinner and I had ice cream and a pepsi. I expect the award for wife/mom of the year to be arriving any moment. The day was a shitfest.