Heartache and Hope

I've known Sid for 13 years yet I am still suprised and hurt by his decision. He contacted our lawyer and signed the paper to give up his kids voluntarily. I cried and cried when I was told. I know he hasn't had contact with them in almost 2 years. And the only reason he saw them 2 years ago was because Ana broke her leg and I called him from the hospital. If it weren't for that phone call, he would be on more than 3 years with absolutely no contact. Not a phone call on birthdays or Christmas, never once asked about the kids when we faced each other in court every 3 months for his contempt charge. I wonder if he missed them, how often he thought about them. Did he ever think of them? I can't imagine their birthdays passing and the kids not even crossing his mind. What about on Father's Day, he had to have thought of them then. I can't think about going that long without hearing thier voices or seeing them grow up. Does he know what he is missing? I can't sleep thinking about what made him decide to sign the papers. Was it because he would owe no further child support? Did he really put a price on his children? Or maybe he actually thought because he hasn't given them love as a dad for years and years and knew he would never be able to so he signed because it was what was best for the kids? I pray and pray that he wasn't motivated by money. I get sick thinking about this. This is what we have prayed for and have wanted since we got married. John has wanted it since we got engaged. He wants to be thier dad in every way. The kids see him that way and he feels it, but still this is so important to him. And Sid just gave us his ok to go ahead with it. I was so expecting a fight from him. So why am I so sad? I am so incredibely happy that we can continue and get this done. I am so incredibly sad that he just signed them away without one word. I know, count my blessings right? Can't have your cake and eat it too? What am I going to tell Ana? The other 2 when they are older? Ana asks constantly about the adoption and how it's going and how much longer? She knows that we have filed the petition, she knows that we had to wait for Sid to respond. I can't tell her that he gave up. I just can't make myself do it. What would it do to her? Not right now while she is dealing with the death of her grandpa and just trying to live day to day with her raging preteen hormones. Or would it be best for her to know the truth? I've never lied to the kids about him. About why he doesn't see them and it's not about them, it's a fight with his sin and his choices in life. We still have to have a adoption hearing, and Sid will be advised of it has the opportunity to be there for that, but now I doubt he will want to be there. I wanted the kids to have a chance to say goodbye to him. To process every step of this. As their mom I think that would be best. On the flip side of that, maybe it wouldn't be good for them to see him in court, saying goodbye after so many years of not seeing him. That may be confusing to them. I know Akira would not understand. She would probably write a great song about it though. I thought maybe he would at least include a letter to the kids when he sent back the papers. To explain his decision. I was hoping for that closure myself. Now I don't know if we will ever get it. I loved this man once, shared my life with him. I still after everything everything everything, have that part of me that remembers the hopes and dreams he had for each of them when they were babies. Now, I will always remember the day he legally wrote off his children., but in every sense of the word, he wrote them off years ago. This is what is best for the kids, for their hearts, thier future, their relationships, their faith. Putting their trust in someone real, who is here and loves them and would do or give anything for them. Ana talks as if John has known her all her life, she talks about the future with him, John walking her down the aisle at her wedding, she teases him about how much he will miss her when she leaves for college, she thinks she is going to grow to be as tall as John. I can see it in her eyes when she talks about John and when she is with him, she knows John's love for her doesn't have conditions. She knows he is here to stay, but there is that tiny little doubt that lingers for her. She can't help it, she remembers the back and forth, on again off again times with Sid when she was little. The boyfriends I had after our divorce, that hurt her as much as me when things didn't work out. I take the blame for that.. But she is also smart enough to know that the broken promises and rejection from Sid since our divorce is his choice alone. This public expression of commitment from John is something she craves in her spirit. She understands this adoption is more than just a name change. It gives her hope and a feeling of complete acceptance. It gives me hope also, and since Dad died, I could use a lot more of that. I know this will fill the Sid shaped hole in Akira's heart, extingish fully any sense of abandonement Ana feels, and for E cement the knowledge that John is his forever Dad.