Not quite sure...

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I haven't worked since Dad died. Well, that's not true, I went back the week after and was sent home. It's been a month now and I am actually managing to get a shower before noon these days. I visit his grave too much I think because every time I go there I think it will make me feel better but I end up being so depressed I can barely make it home. It just looks so real. Fresh dirt, all the flowers from the service are dead. It's been a month, so should I be worried that time seems to have stopped? I get so mad looking at people living their lives. Don't they know what is missing? Don't they notice he's not here? How can complete strangers keep on living life as if nothing happened? I know he is gone, but I catch myself thinking that he will walk into the room at any moment. It's been a month and I am so pissed that he is gone. He was too young, we are too young, the kids are too young. He should be here to see everything that hasn't happened yet. And then I think of everything that hasn't happened yet and I cry. How can Hoss and I have a baby that Dad will never know? Will never know Grandpa? The kids' adoption party, he should be there. I wonder when life gets back to normal? 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years? Will it ever be 'normal' again? Because normal is Dad here to make corny jokes and laugh that laugh and play solitaire till dawn. It feels like I'm searching for something that I don't even know is missing but know I need to find it. Does that make any sense to anyone? Doesn't really make sense to me either. As twisted as it is, knowing that my sisters are all feeling about the same actually helps. Makes me not so worried that it's been a month and I still find myself getting in the car, driving somewhere, and then once I get there, not really remembering driving there. Makes me not so worried that I keep serving burnt dinners because I start crying half way through cooking it and by time I recover, dinner is ruined. Makes me not so worried that I still wish he would hurry home from vacation or wherever he is. He can't really be gone forever, it just can't be...