Adieu Ben & Jerry

Well got the latest blood test back and...my thyroid is now normal! Yipee, yahoo! Well normal as it can be after they fried it and all. I should say the fake thyroid hormone I take everyday is now doing what I pay it to do and tricking my body into thinking it has a thyroid. Are you jumping up and down like I was? Do you know what this means? This means I will start to lose the 30 pounds I gained in 1 year. I still have to work to lose the weight but now I'm not fighting those evil little hormone demons that think it's funny when you eat a rice cake and gain 2 pounds. Now it will be just like any other 30 yr old housewife with a secret choco stash. It didn't help either marrying a man that sees me crying on the scale and says "Don't cry. You're still about 10 pounds underweight. Here, go buy some more clothes." That is the point in which something heavy was chucked at his head. And yes I did take the shopping money and yes I did buy more...shoes and the matching purse. At least if I ran into anybody I knew or an ex boyfriend or something I would have the cute accessories to distract from the weight gain. Although I'm pretty sure all my exes live out of state so I should be ok. That is my theory and nobody better blow it for me! Anyway- so I joined a dance class and my sister is going to sign up with me... This should be an adventure considering I haven't danced since I was 17 when life took over. Dancing at a club doesn't count because the many alcohol drinks consumed cancel out all the aerobic activity. I got so desperate at one point I looked up how many calories were burned during sex and that motivated me somewhat. Hee hee. (Chels if you're reading this, when you come back from throwing up, I want my shorts back because soon I will fit into them again.). Ahh, I can't wait till next summer. Maybe by then I can wear a swimsuit without fear of being harpooned.

Bored

you.can.only.type.one.word.not as easy as u may think

1. Where is your cell phone?charger

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?past

3. Your hair?thick

4. Work?ha

5. Your father?Michigan

6. Your favorite thing?massage

7. Your dream last night?recurring

8. Your favorite drink?cranberry

9. Your Dream guy/girl?Hoss

10. The room you're in?quiet

11. Your pet?expensive

12. Your fears?childish

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?healthy

14. Where did you hang out fri night?bedroom

15. What you're not good at?sewing

16. Eyebrow rings on the opposite sex?funny

17. One of your wish list items?garage

18. Where you grew up?colorado

19. The last thing you did?pee'd

20. What are you wearing?pj's

21. What aren't you wearing?makeup

22. The website?online

23. Your computer?dinosaur

24. Your life?standstill

25. Your mood?sad

26. Missing?Dad

27. What are you thinking about right now?dad

28. Your car?fast

29. Your work?rewarding

30. Your summer?nightmare

31. Your relationship status?honest

32. Your favorite color?purple

33. When is the last time you laughed?yesterday

34. Last time you cried?scale

35. School?crowded

Men are waffles, women are spaghetti

So we're at the cemetery tonight and I wanted to show John the kind of marker that mom is going to buy dad so we go walking. Did I mention it was dark out? Apparently somebody is getting buried tomorrow near dad's grave because all of a sudden John grabs Akira practically throwing her on the ground. I'm wondering what i.t.h. is he doing? There is an empty grave that has already been dug out and the only thing covering it is a piece of plywood and Akira was about to step right on it. Can you imagine how horrible that would be? She would have been completly traumatized! Gave me the creeps. Perhaps that is why you should really only visit the cemetery during daylight hours. John was worried that we were trespassing because the sign says trespassing if on property after 7pm, and I say they must not be that worried about it because they leave the gates open. Am I right? Oh, and I think the trip to Michigan might have done me some good, I'm functioning much better, sleeping longer and actually feel a little bit of healing when I visit Dad, instead of feeling depressed and wanting to crawl into a hole. I went to church tonight for the first time since dad died, excluding for his service. Didn't go to FCC, for some reason don't want to be in the place where I said goodbye to dad. I know that doesn't make much sense but it is just feels wrong. And of course the message was on marriage and differences between men and women and blah blah blah. Everything that I had experienced this past week w/ John and everything that I had felt was discussed. I'm pretty sure he slipped the pastor a note beforehand because it felt like there was a giant spotlight on me the entire time. Although John says he felt the same way so who knows? The mood in the house hasn't been helped by the fact that John is now on his 3rd day without any chew and I am pms-ing. A recipe for disaster. What is it with guys that chew? I think it is so disgusting yet I still marry guys who do it. He thinks he is doing quite well without it, I think he is a raging lunatic!The hole is still pretty inviting though.

Praise God!

Yahoooo! Kids are back in school, kids are back in school, kids are back in school!! Does that make me a bad parent that I am so excited that kids are back in school? Loved having the summer off with the kids (I think I worked about 40 hours all summer) but enough already! I'm pretty sure since about June 5th or so, the kids have been having a contest called "who can bicker the most and make mom and dad yell the loudest?!" Suddennly Ana is now convinced that her brother and sister were simply put on this earth to annoy her. She has much better things to do than be bothered now that she is a 6th grader! I love the girl more than anything but if she rolls her eyes at me or them one more time, I may have to kill her. Last year I could barely get her to brush her hair, now she is waking up 30 minutes earlier to 'style' it. Help.
First day back was today. The kids got to meet their teachers last night and unload their enormous bag of school supplies. Ana swears the has the meanest teacher in school, 'he is soooo strict mom, he never even smiles!" Akira is upset that her bff's are not at her table, and E is already surrounded by giggling girls. They better watch out for mama! I'd hate to have to open a can of whoop ass on those 7 year olds.

Boo Hoo

Boo Hoo,
So totally spur of the moment, the kids and I decided to drive to Michigan. Was packed and ready to go within an hour. So we picked up my sister and her kids and left. I just had to see my dad. And my grandma. Didn't really think about it until we were in Kearney Nebraska. This spur of the moment decision appears to have pissed off Hoss'crew. I know I did disrupt their routine by taking their wheels and making them all squish into my Grand Pixie but they did make it to the rig right? Perhaps I should show them the paperwork that shows MY name on the friggin car loan. Go fix your own vehicles, get your license back, and drive your own ass to the rig every hitch. Hoss says they will cool off. I guess I'm not fully understanding what they are so hot about? They don't seem to realize that Hoss' lifestyle has changed just a wee bit. He has always considered his friends his family, but now he has a different type of family to take care of. Yes, I 'm aware that you have so many memories with him, he is your boss, he is your brother, he is your friend, he is your drinking/smoking/party buddy but he is now my husband and a dad, a really great dad. There was no gun to his head when he decided to get married. There was no voodoo hex performed on him. According to him, he woke up one day, realized 'Holy Crap, I'm a grown up' and went down a different road. A road that led to me, thank God. To me. A chick with 3 kids (gasp!!) 3 kids who he has known for 6 years. 3 kids he would give his life for. 3 kids that worship him (and sometimes forget I am even in the room when he is around). When we first started dating (for the 3rd time) I sometimes wondered if he was dating me for me or for my kids. Oh- Grandma just showed up with fresh, homemade tortillas, gotta go! I'll just sum things up here...Boo Hoo, get over it!!!

Not quite sure...

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I haven't worked since Dad died. Well, that's not true, I went back the week after and was sent home. It's been a month now and I am actually managing to get a shower before noon these days. I visit his grave too much I think because every time I go there I think it will make me feel better but I end up being so depressed I can barely make it home. It just looks so real. Fresh dirt, all the flowers from the service are dead. It's been a month, so should I be worried that time seems to have stopped? I get so mad looking at people living their lives. Don't they know what is missing? Don't they notice he's not here? How can complete strangers keep on living life as if nothing happened? I know he is gone, but I catch myself thinking that he will walk into the room at any moment. It's been a month and I am so pissed that he is gone. He was too young, we are too young, the kids are too young. He should be here to see everything that hasn't happened yet. And then I think of everything that hasn't happened yet and I cry. How can Hoss and I have a baby that Dad will never know? Will never know Grandpa? The kids' adoption party, he should be there. I wonder when life gets back to normal? 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years? Will it ever be 'normal' again? Because normal is Dad here to make corny jokes and laugh that laugh and play solitaire till dawn. It feels like I'm searching for something that I don't even know is missing but know I need to find it. Does that make any sense to anyone? Doesn't really make sense to me either. As twisted as it is, knowing that my sisters are all feeling about the same actually helps. Makes me not so worried that it's been a month and I still find myself getting in the car, driving somewhere, and then once I get there, not really remembering driving there. Makes me not so worried that I keep serving burnt dinners because I start crying half way through cooking it and by time I recover, dinner is ruined. Makes me not so worried that I still wish he would hurry home from vacation or wherever he is. He can't really be gone forever, it just can't be...