Missing dad

Is it possible to backslide in the grief process? I was frozen when Dad first died and have eventually gotten better with living life again. But lately I feel like I'm back on that July day when he died. I dream about him, I miss him. I am so happy that we are having a baby, but then I think about it and I am so sad. Dad was such a great grandpa and he will not know this baby. Or this baby will not know him and that's just wrong. Today was Thanksgiving. I did fine most of the day, I think we all did. The kids and I went to my in-laws. It was nice seeing everyone. John showed up for dinner before he had to leave for work so that was nice. It wasn't until I got home that I got really sad because dad wasn't here. We're sad most of the time because he isn't here, but I guess holidays will really compound that sadness. Every other day is busy filled with everyday life that has to get done. The day was mostly ok it's just our new normal I guess. We all have to adjust to not seeing him at the table or in the kitchen making guacamole. I miss him a lot today. I can't imagine how mom is feeling. She of course won't say it, but I can hear her cry at night sometimes and it is the most heartbreaking sound. It's the kind of cry I hadn't heard before Dad died. It was the first holiday without him, I'm not sure how we will get through Christmas. I keep seeing that gross disgusting summer sausage and cheese sets when I'm out shopping. I cried in Costco the other day because I was staring at freakin summer sausage! At least now, passersby will just think I am some crazy pregnant lady with too many hormones running through her. Maybe I will buy him one. I always bought Dad one for Christmas.

snow, snow, snow, snow

Whoohooo, it snowed! That makes me so happy. Although it has been nice still being able to wear capris and short sleeve shirts. The kids don't have school today and I'm determined to finish getting the house put together before they go back on Monday. Most everything is done, except there aren't pictures hung and one room still needs the trim painted. Other than that it's very liveable. I'm watching the kids play outside. They are all bundled in every piece of winter attire they own, and are acting as if we got a blizzard! Really quite sad actually. Maybe I'll get a good picture for this years Christmas card though. I refuse to be in it, someone may bust out a harpoon! I told Hoss the only way he'd get me in this years photo is if he photoshops me in and considering he asks for help everytime he checks his email, I don't think that is going to happen.

Dude, it wasn't me, it was the baby

I promise all my blogs will not be about me being pregnant. I feel waaay out of practice when it comes to doing this. I know pregnancy isn't something you practice necessarily but considering E is almost 8, some of this stuff happening to me feels completely new and weird! The Shisler baby appears to be a vegetarian. I can't stand the smell or taste of most meat right now. It tastes fine going down but not so good about 10 minutes later. Hopefully that is only temporary insanity. And I've not had any morning sickness yet. That is quite the change from my other experiences. I was so sick with E that I lost 14 pounds early on. Is that a good sign? Shouldn't all pregnancies have some morning sickness? Or does the aversion to meat count as mine? I'm already wearing maternity jeans. I'm only 7 weeks along but the zippers weren't working anymore! I've managed to get away with just buying bigger shirts and tops, most shirts these days are baggy and 'flowing' anyway. I'm sure it has something to do with the weight gain from losing my thyroid, but still- I feel and look ( according to some) like I'm 5 months pregnant! I will NOT be complaining about the bigger boobs! Those make me feel 18 again. Plus it's cheap entertainment for my husband so that's always nice.

Simba the lion king

Dearest baby Shisler, we can't wait to meet you. Baby Shisler is due on July 14, 2008. July 14th. The day dad died. It makes me incrediby happy and incredibly sad. My mom thinks it is the perfect day to have a baby. It will make the anniversary easier to deal with. I disagree. I think. Wouldn't I always be sad on that day? This poor baby will have a complex! Mom- why are you always so sad on my birthday? Don't you love me?! Yeah, I can see it now. Therapy is too expensive, so wouldn't it be better just to have another birthday?
John says it makes sense. He says so many things happen that way. The circle of life or something like that. I think he saw the Lion King one too many times. When something ends, something always shows us the new beginning. A very close friend of John's got a long awaited kidney transplant the day before dad died. A new beginning. Good friends of mine had a baby on the same day. A new beginning. We are due to have a baby. A new beginning. I guess I see his point. Then again I just don't like it. I'm the mama, and if it's up to me I'll just hold her in until the 15! Or I'll go 4 wheeling on the 13th! I'll figure something out by then. In the meantime, the kids are super excited. Almost as excited as John. Have you ever seen a 6'7" man do a cartwheel? He is over the moon. Maybe a little too far gone actually. He said maybe I shouldn't go into work because I tend to get stressed out while I'm there. Soon, he'll be saying I shouldn't bother making dinner, or doing laundry or breathing in and out! OK, I'm exagerating, but not by much. He is totally enjoying this and I could get really spoiled during this incubation period! Stace & Lin say I should go with it. After all, it is a new experience for me too. Actually planning a pregnancy and for once being thrilled with the news. We've got a date for the adoption also. If anyone told me 3 years ago this would be my life today, I'd have thought you were completely insane!!